Reflecting - Now and ... then

So... I've been in hibernation... not really discussing life.. talking about much, just keeping to myself, my marriage and my children. The marriage part has been hell in a handbasket.. I won't lie. The good news is, husband (I think) and I, have found peace where blendedness is concerned - a goal we thought we'd never achieve. Recent 'grown up' conversations with my now adult stepdaughter, have been extremely enlightening, have confirmed a lot of my feelings and, on a selfish note, have helped me realize that I didn't screw up as much as I thought. Neither did her Dad. Oh, and that she really does love me, consider me her parent, and want me around.. she's stuck in the middle. "Divided loyalty can really create pain", she says. What a bright young lady she is. She knows we 'let go' out of love - and for no other reason. We know she 'let go' out of desperation and divided loyalty - and for no other reason. She told me that she remembered years ago, she was 11, and upset by her parents' fighting, that I told her someday she'd be grown up, 18, and would be able to make her own choices without having to worry about being denied her feelings. . . and that she counted the years, weeks, months and days, from that day forward, until her 18th birthday... So she could tell her Dad and me that she knows why we let go.. and she forgives us. As for the 'other side', little birdies tell me there isn't so much peace over there... but since SD is now an 'adult', I don't have to worry much about 'over there'... Don't get me wrong.. I do worry. I don't think that the relationship between my SD and her biological mother is exactly emotionally healthy. But it's all SD's ever known.. it's not anything I can fix, and well, I've learned a lot from it. Good things... things that I can use in my future with SD and, more specifically, with my children. And, I'm definite that her relationship with her step father, the man who insisted that SD 'had a dad and it wasn't her Bio Dad' is full of animosity. SD claims to hate his guts and he shares the sentiment... neither is shy about his or her feelings either. But, well, you reap what you sow.. and perhaps that's cold hearted and insensitive, but BM insisted that all of SD's problems were a direct result of my being in her life.. and I stepped away and things got progressively worse over there. As for here, things got and remain, progressively better. Huh? Go figure. Through all of the fighting, worrying, feeling less than, through the pain and the silent suffering we (DH and I) endured, we have living proof that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. And, to all the parents out there, divorced biological and step parents alike, embroiled in emotional battles over these kids who could truly benefit from having more than 'one' family - Our kids grow up and be exactly whom they wish to be... regardless of the fighting, tugging, hurting and pain. They, just like the rest of us, have idiosyncracies, bad days, nasty behavior - they're human. And, when you think they don't know how you feel about their other parents, think again. They know. A lot more than we realize. It behooves us all to find a way to tolerate each other on a truly positive note - we 'parents' .. really. If only I'd know this all along.. and the other players wanted to play nice. In a perfect world.