Just checking in on my own blog.. it's been awhile. I think perhaps I'll need to start writing again. Life is good. Yea.

Monday, August 18 The World The World represents the completion of a cycle and the attainment of inner peace and contentment. It is time to celebrate all that you have accomplished and bask in your successes. You have achieved a heightened sense of self awareness and a new appreciation for your surroundings. While this card doesn't rule out discomfort in your life, it does indicate that many of your trials and tribulations will soon be overcome. Everything is finally starting to come together!

March 17th, 1970 Energy Number: 3 "The Light Bringer" In Feng Shui, you are considered an "East" person. You are the sunshine for others. Music, dance and humor are part of making sure that your life is not boring. Don't stress yourself in your career and your health will blossom. Taking time for yourself will always help you to balance your busy life. You have the good fortune to have friends with money or to attract abundance in many levels of your life. Your family background will stay a source of wisdom and your cultural heritage will be always important as a base for your higher knowledge. Your Complete Energy Number Profile Just knowing your best Feng Shui direction is only the start. You need to put them to work for you! Find out how to use your unique Kua Number to maximize your Feng Shui with a Kua Energy Report. Learn how to increase success, health, love and wisdom in your life.

How do I feel Safe?

In light of all that's going on - divorce, identity theft, and court - I decided it would benefit me to go back to counseling. Since my home was burglarized, I've had several fake phone calls from person associated with the burglary. They pretend to be detectives, but fish for more information. Honestly, I think they're pissed because GT and I have blocked them from gaining anything with our identifications. Back to my point: My counselor says that the most important issue at this time is my safety. What makes me feel safe? Emotionally, I feel safe when I have no contact with my own parents. to be continued...

Personality Profile

A General Description of How You Interact with Others You are important. So are other people, especially if they are in trouble. You have a tender heart, but you know how to establish and keep personal boundaries. You are empathetic and compassionate, but you also believe that it's best if people solve their own problems and learn to take care of themselves, if they are able. You are deeply moved by the needs of others, but you know that if you don't take good care of yourself, you'll wind up being of no use to anyone. So yours is a thoughtful compassion. You strive to be fair and sensible, taking care of others while also taking care of yourself. When someone really is in trouble, you like to collaborate with them toward a solution; they do their part, you do yours. You consider carefully, and respond in a sensible way; they do their part, and together you move through the difficulty. You seldom act impulsively; rather, when a problem arises, you take your time to think through the situation. This contemplative quality usually means that you'll arrive at a diplomatic solution, one that's fair for the other person and also fair to you. It's frequently a win/win situation. Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You For people who are ruled by tender-hearted compassion, your more diplomatic response to problems might seem too cool, too focused on fairness and not filled enough with sympathy and selflessness. For them, when someone's life is on fire, what is needed is not collaboration but rescue. And the person who experiences their life on fire may resent the time you take to contemplate. "I need you, and I need you NOW! This isn't about fairness, it's about the fire." "All deliberate speed" may seem too deliberate and not fast enough, either to the more compassionate or to people in genuine trouble. At the other end of the spectrum of compassion, those who believe people should take care of themselves may find even your thoughtful sympathies too soft. They expect people, themselves included, to work their own way out of trouble. They are convinced that the helping hand you lend just fosters dependence and is not good for the development of character, either in you or in the person you assist. Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You Many people, perhaps the majority, will come to appreciate your balance as a compassionate person. The more they get to know you, the more they will admire your thoughtful compassion for others and its compliment in the sensible ways you take good care of yourself. Those whom you help will appreciate the way you leave them with their dignity by expecting them to collaborate in their own rescue. Those who are more tender-hearted will find in you a balance they lack; when they've run out of energy because they fail to take good care of themselves, you will still have enough compassion left to lift others out of trouble. Even the tough-hearted, those who believe people should solve their own problems, might come to admire your tenderness which they don't find in themselves. So the people you help will be grateful, and the people who see your balance between self and others will admire you. Certainly, balanced is not bad at all as a way to be known among your friends.

My mind is a swarm of misguided thoughts and confusion sometimes. I am so overwhelmed with my life, my choices and the consequences.

Who We Are Lyrics

ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population. Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

I'm so conflicted. I tried for so long to hold it together. To show empathy for what he's been through with his ex wife and estranged daughter. To imagine how awful I'd feel were it me. To ease the pain to take care of him. As time went by, things got deeper, marriage and a child within 9 months. It was hard, and I felt more and more stuck. But, I've always been non conventional. I've always been hard to pin down. Fear of commitment. I married for the first (and only so far) time at the age of 30. I waited a long time for him. I thought it would work. It was hard from day one.. but I always like a challenge. As time wore on I realized that, although the thoughts and words were there, the effort was one sided. That I was bearing the burden of the fighting over my stepdaughter - taking his responsibility. It soon turned into me taking his responsibility for just about everything. . . and most specifically everything that, in his perception, went 'wrong'. I stuck it out as long as I could and I think that I can safely and with confidence say that I've exhausted all remedies of taking responsibility. It really does take two to tango. And it really only takes one to make that dance completely futile.

It feels really crappy. Yep, it does. When you realize after 10 years of thinking you would be spending your life with this person, that perhaps he's been trying to convince himself for just as long, that you're the right person. Meaning.. he thought so, but has realized or is realizing, that he was wrong. Over 10 years, two kids, a successful business and a house later, I'm wrong for him. It feels really crappy to trust, over and over, that the good person inside really can find his way back out, that the pent up anger and resentment will resolve itself.. that one can really change. Change back. To the person you feel in love with. It feels really crappy that, the people who stand outside looking in offer opinions - when you say something like, 'yes, he's a ball of anger because the house is not clean enough...' to be interrupted with 'well, that's how ALL men are. It's called being married. ' Really? Well, not ALL men use the pretty-darn-clean-but-in-his-opinion-a-pig-sty house as his excuse to emotionally batter those he loves. Aside from that, YOU already know it's life. It doesn't have to be anybody's fault. It is what it is. It's HIM that wallows in anger over life as it is. Daily life kills him. It's HIM who's angry and unforgiving. It's you who's giving up. It's an excuse. Being a man that is. And so is : I can't talk about this right now, I'm trying to sleep. (Who fucking uses sleeping as his excuse to avoid discussing what could be the catalyst to the end of his marriage and family? The SECOND marriage and family he's lost. Who does that? or: You need a full time job so you won't call me all the time and try to talk to me while I'm busy (as he's calling you from work, while *YOU'RE* busy cleaning his fucking pigsty, to add some more demands to your list so he can come home and rip on you for not getting his month's worth list of crap done in 2 hours. --- yes, I'm venting) or: I hate talking on the phone - this after you had a nice, mature conversation for several minutes before his obvious low opinion of you seeped through and he made a comment that you dare admit was hurtful. As soon as you say something he doesn't approve of, he hates talking on the phone. And, yes, I could go for days. This is mild in comparison. And he wonders why I act like a fucking loony half of the time. He wonders. Why do people think, when they're talking to a person who has recently split from a marriage, that it's helpful to say things like "It's marriage, honey." Or "It's both of you." Oh, really? Sure is. You gave up, moved out and you're comfortable with your decision. He's miserable. How is that both of you? It takes two to tango and one to make it impossible. Do they honestly think that they KNOW what's gone on in your life? That they are qualified to say to you "it's life, honey. That's how marriage is?" Because I refuse to believe that this life I've lived over the past 10 years is a 'normal' marriage. Absofuckinglutely refuse. So there.